Which reflects a higher level of psychological security and emotional maturity?「嫌われる勇気」(the courage to be disliked by others) or「好かれる勇気」(the courage to be liked by ourselves)?
As we move through the stages of life, most of us do at some point have to develop the the courage to do and be things that expose us to the risk of disapproval from others (parents, teachers, friends, etc.) Still, there are also risks that come with getting trapped in a story of self that puts 「嫌われる勇気」at its foundation.
I suspect Alfred Adler might not be all that satisfied with all the stories people tell about how they overcame all the naysayers and succeeded despite them. He might say that this is just another example of creating a story that externalizes an internal conflict by blaming others for something that is going on inside our own minds.
Most other people are too busy fighting their own battles to consciously invest much time, energy and other resources in undermining us. Even when other people’s actions and attitudes seem to be having the impact of undermining us, it’s usually more a matter errors of omission (lack of intent) than commission (intent). The attribution of negative intent on the part of others creates melodrama in our relationships and disempowerment in our hearts.
When you construct a “me against the world story” does it reflect a world that is really against you or is this just a way for you to muster the motivation to overcome the naysayer(s) in your own mind?
At some point, when you’ve developed 「嫌われる勇気」will you be ready to develop「好かれる勇気」as well? Or like Groucho Marx, will you go through life “refusing to join any club that would have you as a member”?
We don’t need the courage to be disliked so much as the courage to continue trying to become a self we do like.
—
“Courage is not an ability one either possesses or lacks. Courage is the willingness to engage in a risk-taking behavior regardless of whether the consequences are unknown or possibly adverse. We are capable of courageous behavior provided we are willing to engage in it.” – Alfred Adler
“It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others. It is from among such individuals that all human failures spring.” – Alfred Adler
“Nobody adopts antisocial behavior unless they fear that they will fail if they remain on the social side of life.” – Alfred Adler
“A private meaning is in fact no meaning at all. Meaning is only possible in communication: a word which meant something to one person only would really be meaningless. It is the same with our aims and actions; their only meaning is their meaning for others. Every human being strives for significance; but people always make mistakes if they do not see that their whole significance must consist in their contribution to the lives of others” – Alfred Adler
—
Agency (主体性) + Purpose (志) + Growth (成長) + Connection (繋がり) + Contribution (貢献) = Meaning (意義)
© Dana Cogan, 2025, all rights reserved.