Many (if not most) of our communication, relationship, influence and collaboration challenges emerge through errors of omission rather than errors of commission.
Back around 2007, when I created this graphic for a program on interpersonal influence that I developed for the Japanese subsidiary of a global investment bank, social neuroscience had not yet become that well established in mainstream awareness. I remember reading a few articles on mirror neurons and being completely blown away. As a philosophy student, I had learned to view empathy as an intellectual activity in which we extrapolated through some sort of theory of mind to form hypotheses about other people’s inner worlds. The research on mirror neurons seemed to indicate that empathy was much more than just a theory of mind. It involved automated (non-conscious) physiological processes. It seemed the emotional contagion was turning out to in fact be more contagion than analysis.
At the same time, there was a line of research indicating that our internal experience of feelings, thoughts, intuitions, etc. was more complex and nuanced than I had previously realized. If I felt ambivalent, this was because my feelings emerged through a complex set of interactions of internal systems competing for my conscious attention.
And the kicker was that our internal systems and external systems were intertwined in ways that affected both what we felt and what we perceived. It was becoming clear that our internal worlds had a significant impact on what we perceived in the external world and the things we perceived in the external world often shaped what we found in our internal worlds.
While the role of mirror neurons appears to be less important than some researchers thought at the time, research has continued to reveal that we are in a sense “wired” in ways that both support and obstruct our ability to understand the messages that come to us from others.
For me (but not necessarily my clients), it was transformational to start thinking of our internal (mental, emotional, physiological, memory, imagination, anticipatory, conscious and non-conscious, etc.) functions as deeply intertwined in complex and mutually-influential ways with our external sensory and communication functions (the five senses, language, body language, physical context, etc.).
When we slow down and examine the process by which we make judgments about each other’s actions and intentions, we are all capable to a greater or lesser degree of detecting and empathizing with each other’s inner worlds in ways that lead to compassion and mutual support.
However, we are also prone to being in such a rush that it never occurs to us to examine the feelings and judgments that emerge in our interactions with others. Because we are more focused on getting something done for ourselves than getting the most out of our relationships and alignments with the people around us, we end up frustrated by anything and anyone that feels like a hinderance. Then we project all of that negativity onto the other party since this is usually easier than slowing down, taking a deep breath and remembering that the other party usually has errands or goals of their own that don’t necessarily include adjusting to us.
Of course, in reality usually we are all just people who become so focused on getting something done as quickly and painlessly as possible that we fail to notice how our own actions might be impacting those around us.
I seem to fall into this kind of trap all too often. This graphic helped me learn to frame communication and relationships not just as a moral or behavioral problem, but rather as a complex systems problem involving multiple internal and external variables – many of which cannot be controlled in real time, but which can, however, be nudged bit-by-bit over time if we learn to pay attention to both what’s going on inside and outside without conflating the two…
Most people are too busy with their own goals, challenges, feelings and thoughts to focus on what’s going on in our world. Even when their actions seem to work to your detriment, this is usually a matter of lack of attention (and therefore intention) rather than the force of evil intention toward us.
Assume positive intent (or the very least assume benign indifference:)
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Below is a simplified version of the graphic:
“Enlightened” self-interest is about embracing rather than ignoring or rejecting our connections with other people
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Agency (主体性) + Purpose (志) + Growth (成長) + Connection (繋がり) + Contribution (貢献) = Meaning (意義)
© Dana Cogan, 2025, all rights reserved.